We are all God's People
making a joyous noise under the Son!
CAR HUMOR!
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, ";O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room neat, clean the yard, and cut your hair. Come
back in a month and then we'll see."

Well, a month passed and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great grades on my report card.
I've been keeping my room clean, and the yard is always neat. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but you didn't cut your hair."     Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems over coffee. "Do you realise," said one, "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold
this coffee cup."
''Yes, I know." replied the second, "My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.''
"I can't turn my head," joined the third, "because of the arthritis in my neck."
''My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," commented the fourth, adding, "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
''Well, it's not all bad," piped up the first. "We should be thankful that we can still drive."
A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol
on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just
water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the
pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was
getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at
some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded
man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so
she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and
I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she
said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an
hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
What Would Jesus Drive?

Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?”

One theory is that the Almighty would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of
Eden in a Fury.”

But in Psalm 83, God clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify
them with your Storm.”

Perhaps the Lord favors Dodge pickup trucks, as Moses' followers were warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram's horn sounds a long
blast.”

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in John's gospel where Christ tells the
crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, “the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills.”

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land.”

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”
A merry heart does good,
like medicine...
Proverbs 17:22
A merry heart makes a
cheerful countenance...
Proverbs 15:13
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?  A red carnation.
Copyright 1995 - 2015 God's People Racing
When her car broke down, a woman called out a local mechanic to repair it. He lifted up the hood, looked in the engine, whacked something with
a hammer and said: "Try it now."
To her amazement, the car started straight away.
"That's incredible," she said. "You've been here less than a minute and you've managed to fix it. I'm so grateful."
"All part of the job, madam. That'll be $250."
The smile vanished from the woman's face. "How much? How can you charge $250 when all you did was hit it with a hammer?"
"I can write you out an itemized bill if you like."
"Yes, please," she said firmly.
So he wrote out the bill and handed it to her. It read: "Hitting engine with hammer - $10. Knowing where to hit it - $240."
While working on a car, a mechanic accidentally swallowed some brake fluid. To his surprise, he quite like the taste.   The next day he decided to
have another swig and enjoyed it so much that he told his friend.   His friend said: "You shouldn't be drinking brake fluid. It's bad for you."
But the mechanic was becoming hooked, each day increasing his intake of brake fluid. His friend became seriously concerned.     "You've got to
give it up," he insisted. "Brake fluid is poisonous."     "Don't worry," said the mechanic. "I can stop anytime."
A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it closely.   What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.  "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in
a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!     I looked away for a couple
seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.     It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it
spilled all over my cell phone!
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick him up and give him a ride.
Further down the road the Truck Driver saw a Toll Collector beside the road.   He turned the truck onto a direct course with the toll collector.
Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck... I can't run down this toll collector. So at the last second the Truckie swerved to miss the
toll collector.  But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but couldn't see anything. He then
turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that toll collector at the side of the road. "And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got
him with my door."
Father and son were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.  'You were going eighty!' the officer yelled. "What's
the big idea?"
"We have a good reason," the son  explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get home quickly before we
had an accident!"
Poor Circulation?
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires were getting dizzy!"


Not Wheely Funny
Q:  Why did the alloy wheel fall asleep?
A:  Because it just got tyre-d


Not Quite a Chicken Joke?
Q:  Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
A:  Because if it had four doors it would be a sedan!
One day a couple walks into my office, “can you marry us?” I take out all the forms and I start talking to them about marriage. Then I raised the
subject of premarital counseling, they were quick to nix it. “We don’t need that” the bride says. “We’ve both been married three times.”
The Flight To Egypt
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.  "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer. The policeman told him that several kilometres back, the
passenger door had jolted open and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man glances over towards the passenger seat and says,
"Well thank heavens for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning
when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said,  "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said,  "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you
in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to
witness to him.  So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying
"Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
Bus Gas:    Confucius says, "Man who runs behind diesel bus is bound to get exhaust-ed."
Safety Measure:   The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a
note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR
TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket,
I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride
dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several local
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she
recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

George, a dedicated Christian and man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that
evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Her gossiping ceased.
Who was the fastest runner in the bible?
Adam because he started first in the human race.

Why didn’t Cain bring God an acceptable offering?
Because he wasn’t Abel!

How did Moses make his tea?
"Hebrewed" it.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
1). Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a FURY.
2). David's TRIUMPH was heard throughout the land.
3). HONDA...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
4). 2 Corinthians 4 v 8 describes going out in service maybe in a
Volkswagen Beetle: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed."
An atheist complained to a friend:
"Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter;
and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom
Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists have no
recognized national holidays.    
It's unfair."
His friend replied, "Well... Why don't you celebrate on April first?
Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".
Praying and Playing  

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state,
the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package.  "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and
revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in
front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign... and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!
A first time visitor talks to the pastor after the service.  "Pastor, I liked your service and would like to come back again, but first, I
have one more question for you.  How come you guys don't allow men to have two wifes?  What does God say about that, why can't
I have two wifes?"   The pastor ponders for a moment and then says:  "The Bible tells us that you cannot serve two masters at the
same time!"
Have Faith My Child  
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Young came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to
come to your church."
"Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs.
Young. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."
"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."
"Only what, my child?"
"Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"
"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.  He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and
exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.  "Your name is written inside the cover."
If absence makes the heart grow fonder, think of how
some people must love their church!


Why didn’t Cain bring God an acceptable offering?
Because he wasn’t Abel!
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this
family!

What kind of man was Boaz before he
got married?
"Ruth-less"
Ellie: Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money
down by the church.

Alisse: Did you give it back?

Ellie: Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a
temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer.
The Gift  
Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the
best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week
not to play it at night.
Atheist Holiday  
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their
national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car.
Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the accelerator."
A good Quaker gentleman was awakened one night by sounds downstairs in the living room. Realizing there was an intruder in his house, the
Quaker gentleman took his hunting rifle, and standing at the top of the stairs, said, "Sir, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is
where I am about to shoot."
The 10 Valentine
Commandments
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?"  I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, "No, how are we alike?"  "You're both old," he replied.
Young Jonathan was visiting a church for the first time. He checked all the announcements, posters and pictures along the walls. When he came
to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, 'Who are all those men in the pictures?'
The usher replied, 'Why, those are our boys who died in the service'.
Dumbfounded, the Jonathan asked, 'Was that the morning service or the evening service?'
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge,
and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow
up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved. "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he
notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
"We can't multiply," said the snakes, "We're adders."
A farmer visiting the city entered a restaurant for his noon meal. When the food was served he quietly bowed his head & gave inward thanks.
One of four young men at the next table, thinking to embarrass him, called out in a loud voice, "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out in the
country where you live?"
The farmer quietly replied, "No, son, the pigs don`t... they just dig right in!"
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."
I was at the beach with my children when my 4 year old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead
in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.     "He died and went to heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought
it over and then said a prayer.  "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."  
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one
word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their
names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
BIBLE RIDDLES:

How do you get holy water?    You boil the hell out of it.

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?     Noah was sitting on the deck.

Did you know that they had motorbikes in the bible?     Joshua's triumph was heard throughout the land.
The Twenty-Third Pastrami

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
How to Get to Heaven?

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School
class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get
into heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I
cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!" "Well," she continued,
"then how can I get to heaven?" In the back of the room,
a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
God's Creation:
In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither
God nor Man has rested.
A pastor tried to prepare his two children for what he thought might be a boring high school graduation ceremony. "Graduations are
sometimes long, boring events," he said. "I want you guys to behave and not constantly ask when it's going to be over."
"Don't worry, Dad. We'll live", his daughter replied. "We last through all of your sermons, don't we?"
God's Creation:

In the beginning, God created
the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and
rested.

Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
"Today is a gift from God. That  is why it is called the present."

Q:  What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A:  'Let us prey.'

Q:  What do they call pastors in Germany?
A:  German Shepherds.